Monty Python, ducks and witches.
As as fan of Monty Python and ducks, I’m keen to assess the logical integrity of the duck-witch segment in Monty Python and the Holy Grail:
- There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
- Are there? What are they? Tell us. - Do they hurt?
- Tell me, what do you do with witches?
- Burn them!
- And what do you burn, apart from witches?
- More witches! - Wood!
- So why do witches burn?
- 'Cause they're made of wood? - Good!
- How do we tell if she is made of wood? - Build a bridge out of her.
- But can you not also make bridges out of stone?
- Oh, yeah.
- Does wood sink in water?
- No, it floats. - Throw her into the pond!
- What also floats in water?
- Bread. - Apples.
- Very small rocks. - Cider! Great gravy.
- Cherries. Mud. - Churches.
- Lead. - A duck!
- Exactly.
- So, logically--
- If she weig…
Lost Python Book
Monty Python's Fliegender Zirkus: Sämtliche deutschen Shows. Zurich, Switzerland: Haffmans.
My Current Ranking of Python Episodes
- How to Recognise Different Parts of the Body
- The Light Entertainment War
- How to Recognise Different Trees from Quite a Long Way Away
- Spam
- Mr and Mrs Brian Norris' Ford Popular
- Hamlet
- Grandstand
- Face the Press
- Déjà Vu
- The Golden Age of Ballooning
- The Naked Ant
- The All-England Summarise Proust Competition
- Michael Ellis
- A Book at Bedtime
- It's a Living
- Live from the Grill-O-Mat
- Royal Episode 13
- The Nude Organist
- The Spanish Inquisition
- Mr. Neutron
- The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra Goes to the Bathroom
- E. Henry Thripshaw's Disease
- The Money Programme
- Scott of the Antarctic
- Salad Days
- The Cycling Tour
- How Not to Be Seen
- Party Political Broadcast
- The War Against Pornography
- Owl-Stretching Time
- The Buzz Aldrin Show
- Whither Canada?
- Untitled
- Full Frontal Nudity
- The Ant, an Introducti…
Cut sketches and reordered episodes
This blog post will simply go over some cut sketches and reordered episodes of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
- 1 Series 1
- 2 Series 2
- 3 Series 3
- 4 Series 4
The original order for Series 1, Show 11 went like this:
- Lavatorial Humour
- Interruptions
- Agatha Christie
- Cowardly Boxing
- Literary Football Discussion
- Undertakers Film
- Interesting People
- Eighteenth-Century Social Legislation
- The Battle of Trafalgar
- Batley Townswomen's Guild Presents the Battle of Pearl Harbour
Cowardly Boxing was originally written and filmed for this episode but was eventually cut.
The original order for Series 2, Show 5 went like this:
- Blackmail
- Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things
- Escape from Film
- Current Affairs
- Accidents Sketch
- Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
- The Butcher Who is Alter…
Scene 10
[trumpets]
NARRATOR:The Tale of Sir Galahad.
[boom]
[wind]
[howl]
[howl]
[boom]
[angels singing]
[howl]
[boom]
[howl]
[boom]
[pound pound pound]
GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
GALAHAD:In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
[creak]
[thump]
[creak]
[boom]
GIRLS: Hello!
ZOOT: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!
GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
ZOOT: The what?
GALAHAD: The Grail. It is here.
ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!
MIDGET and CRAPPER: Yes, O Zoot?
ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET and CRAPPER: Oh, thank you! …
Scene 9
[trumpets]
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
MINSTREL: [singing]
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken, To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off A…
Scene 8
[King Arthur music]
[clop clop clop]
ARTHUR: Halt!
[horn]
Hallo!
[pause]
Hallo!
FRENCH GUARD: Allo! Who is eet?
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
FRENCH GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
FRENCH GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
FRENCH GUARD: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
FRENCH GUARDS: [chuckling]
ARTHUR: Well…
Scene 7
[clop clop clop]
[boom]
[boom]
[angels sing]
GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel!
[singing stops]
One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ARTHUR: Sorry.
[boom]
GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'.
[boom]
What are you doing now?!
ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, O Lord.
GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off!
ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR: Good idea, O Lord!
GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold!
[angels sing]
Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, fo…
Scene 6
[clop clop clop]
SIR BEDEVERE: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEVERE: Oh, certainly, sir.
SIR LANCELOT: Look, my liege!
[trumpets]
ARTHUR: Camelot!
SIR GALAHAD: Camelot!
LANCELOT: Camelot!
PATSY: It's only a model.
ARTHUR: Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Camelot!
[in medieval hall]
KNIGHTS: [singing]
We're Knights of the Round Table. We dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot. We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
[dancing]
We're Knights of the Round Table. Our shows are formidable, Bu…
Scene 5
MONKS:
[chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
CROWD: A witch! A witch!
[bonk]
A witch! A witch!
MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine...
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch. May we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE: Uh, but y…
Scene 4
[King Arthur music]
[music stops]
BLACK KNIGHT: Aaaagh!
[King Arthur music]
[music stops]
BLACK KNIGHT: Aaagh!
GREEN KNIGHT: Ooh!
[King Arthur music]
[music stops]
[stab]
BLACK KNIGHT: Aagh!
GREEN KNIGHT: Oh!
[King Arthur music]
Ooh! Uuh.
[music stops]
BLACK KNIGHT: Aaaagh!
[clang]
BLACK KNIGHT and GREEN KNIGHT: Agh!, oh!, etc.
GREEN KNIGHT: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!
[woosh]
[BLACK KNIGHT kills GREEN KNIGHT]
[thud]
[scrape]
BLACK KNIGHT: Umm!
[clop clop clop]
ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
[pause]
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: Non…
Scene 3
[thud]
[King Arthur music]
[thud thud thud]
[King Arthur music stops]
ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven.
ARTHUR: I-- what?
DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I am King!
DENNIS: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perp…
Scene 2
thud]
[clang]
CART MASTER: Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[cough cough...]
[clang]
[...cough cough]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead! Nine pence.
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out...
[rewr!] ...your dead!
[rewr!]
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here's one.
CART MASTER: Nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
CART MASTER: What?
CUSTOMER: Nothing. Here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
CART MASTER: 'Ere. He says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
CART MASTER: He isn't?
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
C…
Scene 1
[opening music]
[wind]
[clop clop clop]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER #1: What? Ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR: Yes!
SOLDIER #1: You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR: What?
SOLDIER #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the ki…
And Now For Something That Looks Like A Blog Post
Good day, Monty Python Wiki, this is Concernedalien11780. My history with Monty Python goes back to when I was eight years old. Back then, I still enjoyed the company of my father, appreciating when he tried to be funny rather than occasionally restricting his right to communicate with others through humor, and admiring his frequent angry ramblings about the direction the world is headed and how the media covers events rather than allowing that to affect me to the point where I become contrarian to any social-political opinions presented to me, regardless of what they are and what my personal beleifs are, simply because of how his upbringing made me generally confrontational in that regard. We made up stories together involving a teddy bea…
Dropping by to say hi!
Yeah, so I've been on Wikia for some time now, and I just started work on this wiki! A lot needs to be improved, so I'm making it my job to make it better! I am an admin to The Giver Wiki and Editor to others Including Monk, Once Upon a Time, Harry Potter, and of course, Monty Python!
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