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Buying a Bed is a sketch that appears in the eighth episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus, "Full Frontal Nudity."

SynopsisEdit

A groom (Terry Jones) carries his bride (Carol Cleveland) through pastures, down a hill, and down a sidewalk to a department store where they would like to buy a bed for about £50. Lambert (Graham Chapman) – an assistant – directs them to Mr Verity (Eric Idle), who tells them that their cheapest bed is £800, a price that baffles the groom. Lambert tells him that Verity tends to exaggerate and that his given price is ten times too high. When determining the length of the bed, it is found that Lambert's statements must be multiplied by three. Verity then advises that they refer to mattresses as dog kennels around Lambert, or else he will put a bag over his head. The groom asks about the dog kennels and Lambert directs him to the pets department. The groom then says mattress, causing Lambert to put a bag over his head. In order for him to remove it, Verity stands in a tea chest and sings "Jerusalem." When this is not enough, the manager (John Cleese) joins him and Lambert removes the bag. They ask about the dog kennels again, which confuses Lambert again. The groom mistakenly says mattress again, causing Verity and the manager to return to the tea chest and sing, this time joined by an assistant (Michael Palin) as well as the bride and groom and a crowd of people in St Peter's Square. When Lambert takes the bag off, the bride says "We want a mattress," causing Lambert to pull the bag back on and for her to be scolded as she weeps over it being her only line. As the bride weeps, everyone else hops away.

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