How to Feed a Goldfish is a sketch that appears in "Royal Episode 13," the twenty-sixth episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Synopsis[]
The sketch follows seamlessly from the previous series of animated and live-action commercials about dragons and Crelm toothpaste, Landry detergent, and a commercial with butterflies and a deer. As the advert for the Hercules-Hold 'em-In abdominal truss concludes, the camera pans over and zooms in to an adman (Michael Palin) sitting behind a table with a goldfish bowl on it and in front of a green screen, finishing the voice-over from the ad. Once he is finished, he quickly changes gears and introduces the program "Fish Club".
After reminding the audience how he had taught them how to 'sex a pike' last week, he reveals that he will teach them how to feed a goldfish this week. He informs the audience that, contrary to popular belief, that the goldfish has a ravenous appetite and that its bones will stick out and fins will fall of if it does not get enough protein. He then introduces a once-a-week diet for goldfish recommended by "The Board of Irresponsible People" and rattles off a list of ingredients as he feverishly stuffs them into the bowl including: cold consommé or gazpacho, sausages, spring greens, sautéed potatoes, bread and gravy. He becomes more and more hysterical with each ingredient he stuffs in, prompting an RSCPA man (Ian Davidson) to pull him off camera as he desperately struggles to stuff the rest of the ingredients in.
The camera cuts to a caption with an announcement from the RSPCA (read by John Cleese) that the man was not a bona-fide animal lover and that Goldfish do not eat sausages (despite further off-screen protests from the "Fish Club" man). The voice over reads a list of food items actually suitable for a goldfish until he reaches "and the occasional pheasant" and he shouts in confusion "Who wrote that?!"